Full Of Holes

Wednesday, June 7, 2017 6:40 PM

My wife and I are letting a man prick us with pins like a voodoo doll in a bad horror movie. Let me explain...

I injured myself in my career as an entertainer, where I get paid to dance on stilts, do magic, make balloons, as well as other skills that would not get me a degree from any major university.

I injured my leg, and was in a great deal of pain, so much that walking was difficult. Solution! I decided I needed an “acupuncturist” which is a Chinese word that means, “man with large needle and mean look in eyes.”

Actually, this is an ancient Chinese form of medicine that believes the body is made of energetic channels— the important ones being the Kidney, the Heart, the English, the Suez, and the Panama.

In order to balance one’s energy, the Acupuncturist shoves needles that feel like they are the size of railroad spikes about twelve inches INTO your body. Whereupon he twists them, in case the initial pain was not excruciating enough. This unblocks your energy, know as your QI or CHI, except at Starbucks, where it as a CHI LATTE.
I went to the office, met my doctor, who was, of course, Jewish. It might be a Chinese medicine, but I’m not crazy. I was barely able to walk, and he stuck needles in my arm and abdomen. I did feel better, especially once the needles were removed. Upon returning home I was in pain again, but when I rose up the next morning, my leg felt remarkably better. 

I was able to walk on stilts that Saturday, and by Monday my leg felt as if it was never injured at all. Unfortunately, anytime I drank liquids, it would spurt out several deep pin holes in my abdomen. This wasn’t a bad thing— I watered my lawn. But only when the neighbors weren’t watching.

I have a friend who insisted that it was the “Placebo Effect”, whereupon I assured him I was not taking any Placebo, and what’s more I have never been to Colorado, the state in which Placebo sends out all those government booklets. (This is, of course, a joke. I know that it is actually Placebo, California.)

Whether it was in my mind, or I’d merely swum the energetic channel, I didn’t care. I immediately returned to the doctor, and set up a program for him to use me as a substitute for a dart board once a week. 

The doctor felt my arms and checked my pulses. I thought I only had one, but in Chinese medicine, it is necessary to feel the depth and strength of my pulse in many places on the arm. This was not too bad an experience— every time I visit my regular doctor, he puts on a rubber glove and bends me over a table. In fact, I think we are considered married in the state of Arkansas, but I could be wrong.

So, after feeling ONLY my arm, the doctor gave me changes in my diet to strengthen my Kidney CHI. He also stuck needles in my back and legs, and let me lie around for twenty minutes. Usually I lie around waiting BEFORE the doctor sees me, so this was nice.

I found the chronic pain in my lower back has improved, as well as pain in my knee joints. And my lawn has never been greener! 

So I encouraged my wife to go. We now get poked with pins once a week, and have given up coffee, sugar, dairy, and the other terrible things that made life enjoyable, but blocked my channels— though I’ve never seen any comparisons between coffee and cable TV. 

The doctor assures me that after a few more weeks I’ll be able to drink liquids safely--

Though my lawn might suffer.