Au Natural

Thursday, May 25, 2017 1:37 PM

I now have the cleanest kitchen floor in New Jersey. Let me explain...

My wife and I have been making changes in our lifestyle. We are both taking our health and what we put into our bodies a whole lot more seriously. I’ve been doing the shopping (I don’t have a real job) at a place called “WHOLE FOODS”. They carry many healthful food products, like granola, organic vegetables, and fresh dirt (very high in fiber). I’ve never completely understood the organic fruit and vegetable thing. I mean, have I ever eaten inorganic or even UNorganic fruit? What would it be made of, edible metal? (Very high in fiber.)

But they also carry healthy and nonpolluting cleaners for the bathroom, kitchen, and home, including dishwashing liquid. 

In the interest of a sparkling house, tidied up with natural, non-poisioning cleansers, I bought several of these products— along with a bag of fresh dirt. (I hope it was organic. So upon arriving home to the dishes I left from the morning, I decided to try one of the new products. I grabbed the bottle marked “Dishwashing Liquid” and loaded our dishwasher— a tiny thing about the size of a large toaster or a small dog. I started up the dishwasher, and went into my wife’s office to do some serious Solitaire on her computer.

My first inkling that something was amiss was when our cat passed my doorway. She walked past my door on her way to the kitchen. And then backed into my room, with her fur up, made a loud “PSSST” noise, and did her best cat defensive maneuver: shed every hair on her body into the air, and ran, bald, under the bed.  This did make me a wee bit suspicious that something was wrong. So I pulled myself away from a fascinating hand of “40 Thieves” and calmly strode into the kitchen. 

There was a huge mass of white foam all over our floor, as well as more of this stuff flowing OUT of our dishwasher, like the monster from that 1950’s horror film “The Blob” I took immediate action. I dived under the bed and pushed the bald cat out, handing her a mop on the way. Realizing that cats frown on housework, I got out, grabbed the mop myself and went into the kitchen to fight the evil foam demon. I began to mop in earnest (a small town outside of Dover) but the dishwasher continued to spew its hideous white foam.

In consternation, (a small country in South America) I grabbed the bottle of “Dishwashing Liquid”, deciding I must have used too much. I turned the bottle around, and there in yellow highlighting were these words: “ATTENTION: Do Not Use In Automatic Dishwashers”. I now saw the problem! This was a product made for WOMEN. No man would actually READ the back of bottle. It should have had a warning on the FRONT clearly stating: “MEN: Don’t Even Think About Putting This In The Dishwasher. HEY! Pay Attention, I’m Talking To You.”

I mean, the label said it was Dishwashing Liquid. If it was for HAND washing dishes it should have a cute name like, “Dusk” or “Brite”, and be a clear bottle with yellow or blue dye put in it. Everyone knows that! I should have just stopped the machine, cleaned it out, and started all over again. I say this in hindsight (a town near Morristown, where I am now residing). Instead I just got everything out of the kitchen and kept mopping. Eventually the foam stopped, I ran the dishes a second time, and I finished mopping the floor.

So I’ve learned my lesson. Always READ THE LABEL on natural products, for they are not market tested for men or the hopelessly stupid (these are interchangeable) like most products. And I intend to be more careful with what I put in the dishwasher.

I’m trying the natural dirt today. Mudpies, anyone?

Arjay Lewis

Original written in 2003